I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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