he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
