I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
