Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
