Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
