Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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