I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
