Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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