all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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