Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
