Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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