I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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