just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
