so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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