it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
