I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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