her vagine was all disorganized.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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