I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
