Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
