I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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