Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
