She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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