did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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