And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
