She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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