My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
