My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
