I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
