I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
