I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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