she looked like the before picture.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
