You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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