Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
