Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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