its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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