I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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