So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
