My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
