No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
