Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
