I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
