i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
