Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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