He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
