just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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