wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
