he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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