i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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