It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
