Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
