I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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