so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
